Secrets of a Broken Mind

9/11 Conspiracy Documents Finally Revealed!

After so many years, our elite investigative journalists have finally been able to uncover several of the original documents pertaining to the elaborate 9/11 conspiracy and related cover-up. In this first of our multipart and hopefully Pulitzer Prize winning story, we reveal a few of the original documents with only certain sections edited for security purposes.

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Document 1a

From The Office of the Pres*****       Sept 1^st, 2001

Oval Off***

G.W B***

Hey Y’all,

We have finally come up with a plan that will let us just walk in and take all the free Iraqi oil we have been drooling over for so many years now. And the best part, it ain’t gonna cost us a thing. Now let’s get right down to it. First, we are gonna have some super secret operatives hijack a few planes, fly a couple into the World Trade Center buildings, then another one into Pentagon, a third plane will pretend to be headin for me, but we’ll just crash that one in the dirt somewhere. Those WTC buildings are pretty durn tough, so to be on the safe side, we’ll just load em up with dynamite and have a guy on the plane just push a remote control button just as they hit. Now, once all the fuss is over, people are gonna be hoppin mad so we’ll convince em that Iraq is loaded with terrorists and WMD and that will give us the green light to go on ahead and take over Iraq and suck their oil dry.  Now, we have lots of phoney intelligence to say they have WMDs there, but since there really aren’t any, somebody is gonna have to make real sure to put some there, or at least photoshop up some photos of some or the public is gonna go nuts on us.

Please pay attention here, because this is real important, since this plan has to be kept a secret, anybody who gets this memo will have to kill everybody else they might tell about it, then please follow DoD procedure 7b.1.3/a and eat your copy of the memo before killing yourself.

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Document 1b

From The Office of the Pres*****       November 1^st, 2001

Oval Off***

G.W B***

Hey Y’all,

Well, our plan worked out ok, but we have some serious problems now. First of all, some boneheads forgot to put the WMD into Iraq and now people are realizing it was B.S. all along. Whoever is responsible for this screw up is like so fired. Secondly, somebody musta blabbed. There are websites and stories popping up all over the place with info on our plan. I have no idea how they found out, but we have to fix it somehow. I am appointing a special commission to go out and kill every one of these people, take all their information and then to make sure, they will go out and kill anybody who might have read any of these web pages. My intelligence consultants have assured me that this will work and we won’t have to worry about this again.

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My apologies for this story to anyone effected by the tragedy of September 11th, 2001. The entire purpose of this story is to make fun of the incredible imbeciles who actually believe that our government would be involved in any such conspiracy and those who believe the current war in Iraq has anything at all to do with seizing Iraqi Oil or is just related to a middle east oil policy. While I personally believe the invasion of Iraq was a big mistake. I do realize how dangerous a person Saddam Hussein was to both his own country and to the stability of the region in general. He didn't learn his lesson in the 1991 Gulf War after his invasion of Kuwait, he was still constantly threatening others and defying any sanctions against him. He got what he deserved.

The Global Worming Threat is REAL!!!

Like many of you, I have been hearing about the Global Worming threat for some time now. But, I found the idea so outlandish, I was sceptical. Could man made Global Worming really exist? And if so, what could we do to stop it? After doing a bit of internet research, I am afraid that I must report that yes, I now believe the Global Worming threat is real, and if something isn’t done about it, life as we know it will soon end.

According to a report by noted Swedish Agriculture Scientist Dr. Sven Elaven, since the advent of modern farming in the 1800s, the introduction of advanced fertilization techniques has led to an exponential growth in the worlds worm populations. But, so what? What harm could a few extra worms do anyway? I am afraid to say it, but the answer is shocking. Apparently, through all their incessant tunnelling in search of food, the worms are making the earth’s crust much more porous and fragile. If something isn’t done to stop or reverse this trend, it is only a matter of time before the entire earth’s crust collapses and we all will fall into the ocean.

What can be done? Well, fortunately for us, we have many expert scientists working behind the scenes to come up with solutions to this problem. Dr. Phu Ken Wong of Taiwan suggests that we might be able to build armies of nuclear powered robotic birds which could be programmed to roam the earth killing worms. While Dr. Flo T. Long of M.I.T. has suggested plans to replace the current earths lands with massive floating metal islands. Stay Tuned to this blog to keep up with current and late breaking news on this shocking story...

DTI – The Islamic Jihadist Dating Website

Welcome to DTI (Death To Infidels) the world’s premier Islamic Jihadist dating website, where fun loving jihadists like you can find the perfect partner to join you in your lifelong struggle against the crusader infidels. Feel free to browse our listings in comfort, knowing that all communications between men and women on the site are closely monitored by our online chaperones to assure no inappropriate and unauthorized contact between single men and women occurs. We have hundreds of success stories and are proud to be able to say that not a single woman has been publicly stoned, buried alive, or publicly flogged as a direct result of using our site.

Worried about confidentiality? Don’t be, we can assure you that any personal information you supply to use will be kept in strictest confidence. We use super secure 28bit encryption and super secret filtering technology to make sure none of your personal information falls into the hands of crusader infidel intelligence agencies that might be interested in your activities. The members shown below are just a small sampling of those that you will find on our site once you register!

Fadwa, Age 23, Location: Baghdad

Interests: I enjoy self flogging rallies in the city center, my hobbies include bomb making, praying, knife sharpening and I enjoy long walks in the desert following at least 10 meters behind my man along with his other wives. My long term goals are to bear at least 10 strong sons to grow and join in the Jihad.

Afifa, Age 12, Location: Yemen

Interests: I enjoy reciting Death to America chants, public execution of captured infidels, and collecting anti-israel memorabilia on eBay. I am hoping to be selected by an elder Jihadist preferably 60+ who can school me well in the ways of Jihad, but will gladly submit to any Islamic man who chooses me and feels me to be worthy of him. PS. I am the one in the middle of the photo.

Batul, Age 17, Location: Kabul

Interests: I enjoy weapon cleaning, killing infidels and poppy cultivation and harvesting. I am looking for the Taliban man of my dreams, who can beat and mold me into the perfect wife. I am secretly hoping only the most extreme of our Jihadists will select me for their uses.

Abdul-Azim, Age 43, Location: Basra

Interests: Upon losing 3 of my 11 wives due to unfortunate accidents, I am in urgent need of suitable replacements. My other interests are not of your concern.

Asim, Age 32, Location: Oman

Interests: Obey Me

Bashar, Age 57, Location: Kabul

Interests: You will do as I command without question. Dare to bring me a daughter into this world and she and you shall be caste to the winds.

If you are interesting in joining the site and meeting that someone special, just proceed to the sign in page where you can enter your email address, name, and exact GPS coordinates of your main place of residence...

The Pot Head Philosopher Solves the Global Warming Crisis

Ya know, I was like watchin this really cool show about global warming and I was like thinkin how we might like be able to solve it real easy. So I got myself like totally high so I could like focus all my thinkin on it like all at once, and guess what, yeah, I solved it all and it was like wow so simple. It think if like everybody decided all at once to like go in the house and make like shitloads of ice in the fridge, then like at noon on Tuesdays, they all just took em out and like threw em around on the ground it would really cool off the world quick. And not just like homemade ice cubes,  even if ya like go out to the store or McDonalds and get a drink, just throw all the leftover ice on the ground every time. This would be good for a lot of other things too, like just think how all the extra water we made from the ice melting would like help all the farmer and shit too. But then, like if there was too much ice we might cause an ice age, so people would have to know somehow when to stop throwing down all their ice before it got too bad, but, I guess that would be pretty easy to figure out too so we don’t have to worry about that yet.

Please Help Out and Join The Insect Rights Movement Today!

Founded in 1997 by world renowned bug lover and scientist Dr. Cornelius Cragmite, the I.R.M. (Insect Rights Movement) supports a world where bugs have equal rights under the law. He implores members to find others who will help to stop the senseless slaughter of our insect friends. Do you realize that even as you are reading this article, countless millions of bugs will meet their untimely end in all manner of horrific deaths. In fact, recent government funded research suggests that up to 1 million bugs are callously executed every minute of every day. Stomped to death, squished, squashed, pulverized, euthanized, burned, gassed and poisoned by toxic chemical weapons and yes, even eaten.

As hard as it is to believe, countless insect brethren have been eaten in wholesale buffet palaces in Asia. The only saving grace being the fact that far more insects are allowed to breed and live freely in these same establishments. These people simply do not yet realize that bugs are sensitive creatures, and that they have feelings, just like us. How can we allow this type of horrific mass murder continue?

 

Another recent government funded research project suggests that bugs can be used to combat global warming. Based on statistics and studies provided by a locally renowned Indian professor, the cooling effects of beating bug wings and the ability of bugs to absorb excess carbon dioxide emissions could be of tremendous importance in winning the war against increasing global warming and increased levels of CO2 in the atmosphere. In the photo shown below, you can see an African tribesman, relaxing in the cool breeze generated from a swarm of friendly locusts.

Another equally impressive study by the Zeitghister Movement, suggests that bugs who have died by natural causes could be harvested and burned as a clean low emissions fuel in generating plants to provide enough energy to supply the worlds needs for the next 10 billion years. The following photo shows a collection of bug fuel being used in a pilot generating facility in Norway.

As if these two big benefits are not enough, recent breakthroughs by I.R.M. scientists have led to clothing lines that are constructed entirely of living insects and are therefore bug friendly and approved for use by the I.R.M. A sample winter bee ensemble is shown below for reference.

Please join us and the countless masses of other I.R.M. members in our fight to save the worlds precious insect resources. If you see one of our members wearing the patented I.R.M. uniforms shown below, please help out by donating.