Secrets of a Broken Mind

The Global Worming Threat is REAL!!!

Like many of you, I have been hearing about the Global Worming threat for some time now. But, I found the idea so outlandish, I was sceptical. Could man made Global Worming really exist? And if so, what could we do to stop it? After doing a bit of internet research, I am afraid that I must report that yes, I now believe the Global Worming threat is real, and if something isn’t done about it, life as we know it will soon end.

According to a report by noted Swedish Agriculture Scientist Dr. Sven Elaven, since the advent of modern farming in the 1800s, the introduction of advanced fertilization techniques has led to an exponential growth in the worlds worm populations. But, so what? What harm could a few extra worms do anyway? I am afraid to say it, but the answer is shocking. Apparently, through all their incessant tunnelling in search of food, the worms are making the earth’s crust much more porous and fragile. If something isn’t done to stop or reverse this trend, it is only a matter of time before the entire earth’s crust collapses and we all will fall into the ocean.

What can be done? Well, fortunately for us, we have many expert scientists working behind the scenes to come up with solutions to this problem. Dr. Phu Ken Wong of Taiwan suggests that we might be able to build armies of nuclear powered robotic birds which could be programmed to roam the earth killing worms. While Dr. Flo T. Long of M.I.T. has suggested plans to replace the current earths lands with massive floating metal islands. Stay Tuned to this blog to keep up with current and late breaking news on this shocking story...

Disturbing new trend in teenagers

According to a recent report by the Tattoo Artists Trade Union (TAT-U) there is a disturbing new trend developing in teenagers today. Over the past few years, tattoo sales have plummeted as more and more teenagers are jumping on the no tattoo bandwagon. Tattooed scientists are baffled by the new trend. Not since the Papangu tribe of New Guinea ran out of native berries to grind up and ink into their skin has the tattoo industry seen such a rapid decline. Even the media is reacting quickly to this new trend with many planned cable shows such as Des Moines Ink, Little Rock Ink, El Paso Ink and Rancho Cucamunga Ink being axed from their 2010 lineups. It is even rumoured that the mack daddy of tattoos Ed Hardy, has resorted to selling his tattoo designs on t-shirts, caps, watches and tennis shoes, to make up for the steady loss of bodies to draw on.

 

TAT-U spokesman Rod Laddaluv is outraged by this new trend. In a recent interview he strikes out at the parents of these rebellious teens, “What the hell is wrong with these tattooed parents raising kids like this? Don’t they have any morals at all?” “What happened to the good old days, when the more tattoos you had, the better off you were?” “This behaviour has to stop! Maybe the government should be called in and social services should remove the kids from these broken homes!!”

 

Tattoo aficionado Ed “Checkers” Mahoney is devastated by the report. He has gone on a hunger strike, refusing to eat or drink anything until this ridiculous trend is reversed. His idea is that these troublemaking rebels should be dragged kicking and screaming to the nearest tattoo parlor and be forced to get a tattoo. Once they do, he is sure they will see the light and be happy returning customers.

 

Tattoo star Binky McGhee just threw his arms in the air and started cursing and swearing when he heard the report. “I just don’t get it, tattoos are my life man! What’s wrong with these sick kids?” This is enough to make me want to quit my job at the carnival.

 

Tattooed sweetheart Jenny McKenney doesn’t understand either. She claims her life was empty before she decided to get her tattoos, no man would even give her a second look, but now, men everywhere stare at her 24/7. She couldn’t be happier and doesn’t know how she would have made it as far as she has without tattoos. “Hopefully this is just a fad, and the kids will all return to tattooing soon, I don’t want to see any of them suffer needlessly like this”

Celebrity Death Lottery

The U.K. International Internet Lottery and the Royal Crown Bank of LAGOS, Nigeria are proud to bring you the all new and exciting Celebrity Death Lottery. Due to the recent spate of celebrity deaths and the ensuing media popularity, why not let yourself cash in on the action? It’s fun and easy.  You can play it from the comfort of your home or even while driving in your car.

Either login to their website at hrip://celebritydeathbucks.com or you can play via SMS from your mobile phone by sending your msg to 1-900-555-DEAD. Just send in your choice for the next celebrity to kick the can and pay the small $9.95 entry fee and you are on your way to chances to share in fabulous cash and prizes. Upon official verification of death by the appropriate coroner’s office, the winners will be selected by a random drawing of correct entries.

If you are among the lucky winners, you will be contacted by us by official email to your junk mail folder or by SMS with further instructions on claiming your prize or prizes. Depending on the division of your win and the cash pool available, all you will need to do is send us a small transaction fee to cover various mailing costs, governmental regulations, kickbacks, bribes and administrative expenses. It’s just that easy! Just send in your payment, and sit back and wait for your prizes to arrive at your door!!! Isn’t it time you put all those dying celebrities to work for you? Why should the media be the only ones cashing in on their misfortunes?

Tiger Woods Visits Santa

Saw this one online and just had to pass it along. If you're not sick enough of seeing Tiger Woods related clips and stories, you will be soon, I promise to do my best to sicken you to the best of my abilities.

The Endless Parade of Tiger Woods Lovers Continues

Sure, I bet you thought by now it would be over, with no more surprises coming, but, it isn't over yet! Just today an astonishing new number of Tiger's ex lovers came forward to claim their piece of the fame pie. There seems to be no end to em, is this guy some kind of a machine or what?

First up, we have Bitsy McCullough, a plus size bikini model from Palm Springs, she was working at the charity golf cart wash outside the Palm Springs country club on tourney weekend when she approached by the love machine himself.. According to Bitsy, the affair started after he asked her if he could wash his club..

Next up, we have a woman identified only as Chia, she claims to have spent a wild lust filled weekend of love with the champ after he approached her in the gallery of onlookers at last years Masters..

The next to come forward was Brunhilda Stuttengarten, who claims Tiger crawled inside her tent late one night while she was attending a weekend medieval fair in Pennsylvania..

Not to be outdone, two sisters, Cornelia and Iris Pepperwinkle came forward with a bizarre tale. Both claim they were approached by Tiger at a bowling alley, he asked them if they wanted to join his foursome, but when they got back to his hotel room, it was just him and a burro.

 Next up, a woman identified only as Laticia claims while working as an escort she was hired for a full weekend of out of control sex by Tiger who paid her with $40 and a handful of crack rocks..

Next we have Mindy, who claims she met Tiger in an online chat room for golf groupies. He approached her using his id TigerWouldz and said he was really into blondes. She claims he flew his private jet to her town to meet her for several months on a regular basis..

 Next, we have a woman identified as Stazz, she claims she met Tiger at a club, and he paid for an apartment for her, where he visited her for wild sex filled weekends some 87 times over the past 3 months..

Boy, this is tough work, I wish he would take a break or something, it's not like I am getting paid to list all his love conquests.  Next on the list is Gladys 'Dimples' Mahoney, she claims that not only did she spend two weeks of passionate love making last summer with Tiger at a beach resort, but she also now has a love child from him.

Next up, we have Kristy Yamasakaguchi a japanese exchange student, who claims Tiger met her at a club during the PGA Masters tourney. She says he told her he had a thing for asian women that he would take her back to his hotel room and show her why he has scored more holes in one than any other golfer to date..

 Next up, we have Wendy Markham a cocktail waitress from Torrey Pines, she met Tiger during an pro-am event there, she claims he spent the greatest 15 minutes of her life with the champ, and that he promised her he would see her again at next years event.

 Last but not least, we have Gargamella, she claims she met Tiger at a rave in Tampa and she has had an on again off again ongoing sex carnival with him over the past 4 years.

 

Tiger Woods Signs Massive New Marketing Deal with Nike

This just in to our WBSN news desk, Nike has reached a multi-trillion dollar marketing sponsorship deal with Tiger Woods. According to our psychic medium investigative journalist I.C. Sumtin, has foreseen this deal will be inked sometime tomorrow afternoon between the sports behemoth and Wilt Chamberlain protégé Tiger. Nike plans to rework their aging motto to fit into today’s new sports culture. Don’t worry, we have managed to get our hands on some secret promotional photos so you can be among the first to be in the know.

 



 
  
  

New Photos of Tiger Woods and Wife Reveal everything is A-OK

Now I know you have probably heard a lot of the vicious rumors and gossip about Tiger lately, but, let me be the first to tell you they just aren't true. This new photo from WBSN a trusted source of celebrity news, shows the happy couple still happy in their first post accident photo.  As far as I am concerned, Rachel Uchitel, Kalika Moquin and Jaimee Grubbs can just join the rest of the money grubbing, publicity seeking, mattress back, immoral bimbo squad and hop on the next bimbo express leaving on track 9.

Facebook Worm – Terminated!

Are you one of the millions of facebook users worried about your computer, worried that your facebook account might be trashed by a horde of stampeding internet worms? Worry No More!! Introducing the brand new and exciting Worm Terminator 9000 from your friends at Solutions Inc, in a partnership with the Internet Pest Control Division (IPCD) of Ronco. Let us ease your mind, you can rest easy and compute effortlessly while the Worm Terminator guards your computer and you from infection whenever you use your computer.

 

Using advanced technology developed by NASA at Area 51, the Worm Terminator 9000 comes in a handsome metal case and contains super secret patented electronics that let it do it’s magic. No worm can stand up to a device like this!!! No confusing high tech knowledge is necessary, anybody can use it, from the most unbelievable of morons, to the elite fumble fingered nerdy M.I.T. graduate. Just look at this impressive monument to modern technology!!!

 

 

But wait, there’s more! The Worm Terminator 9000 also comes with this uniquely interactive finger puppet that contains a highly complex electromagnetic pulse generator and built in laser targeting mechanism to quickly target and terminate worms. It is connected to the Worm Terminator box by an invisible particle beam link. Worn on your mouse clicking finger, when a worm is  detected, the Worm Terminator 9000 sends a deadly electromagnetic pulse through the bird, when your finger contracts from the pain, contact is made thru the click and the pulse is sent through your computer, across the internet and the pesky worm is targeted and TERMINATED.

Monk Series Finale - Time for Bunk

After 8 seasons, Adrian Monk is calling it quits in the series finale next week on USA network. Fortunately, there is rumored to be a replacement series in the works. This new series, called "Bunk", is set to start Michael Richards of Seinfeld fame as bumbling detective Aryan Bunk. He will play a consultant to the L.A. police department helping to solve murder cases in the notorious area of South Central L.A. Joining him will be his loyal assistant/psych nurse Shaniqua played by the loveable Whoopi Goldberg. Get ready to laugh your guts out as the pair face all manner of gangsta hecklers getting in the way of their investigations each week.

The World's Most Wanted Troglodyte

There has been a lot of talk about Troglodytes on the web and elsewhere lately. In fact, I was shocked when I saw it was in the top 10 list of Google Trends. So, I decided to look into the topic and found that the most common definition of a troglodyte is 'a member of any various peoples who lived or were reputed to live in caves'.

Well, since the consensus seems to indicate that Osama Bin Laden and his merry band of Al Qaida terrorists are hiding out in caves on the Afghanistan and Pakistan border, I guess by definition this makes him the world's most wanted troglodyte and the leader of a group of troglodyte terrorists.